Guardrails in Friendships Part 2

Guardrails for Friendships Part 2

 

Dear Champions,

 

The short excerpt is by Andy Stanley, and the scripture is once again Proverbs 13:20 Walk with the wise and become wise, for a companion of fools suffers harm.

 

Guardrails are a standard of behavior that becomes a matter of conscience to keep you from danger and from making poor decisions. 

 

Guardrail #1 -  It dawns on you that your core group isn't moving in the direction you want your life to be moving.  This should concern you to the point that you recognize it and do something about it.  Step back and honestly evaluate where you are going and where the lives of your core friends are going.  When you realize this, actively seek out and invest in an additional or new group of people.  Look for a better place to start putting down roots. 

 

Guardrail #2 – You catch yourself pretending to be someone other than who you really are.  You may also hear the following within your conscience: "I'm not myself" or "I don't feel comfortable."  Pull back from these relationships.  Some of us have been directly warned about this but do not notice the sirens and flashing lights. You may have heard a variation of the following phrase:  " When you are around these people you are not yourself.  You act differently."   This should cause you great concern. Sometimes we get defensive, but most of the time our significant others are right.

 

Guardrail #3 -  You feel pressure to compromise.  When you are with these people, you probably ignore certain values or try to rationalize with yourself.  True and good friends will point you to what is right, good, and righteous.  In these situations, what has never been a temptation before suddenly becomes a live and real option. You begin considering behaviors you have always thought of as off-limits.  This should concern you, and your flags should start going up.

 

Guardrail #4 – You hear yourself saying, "I'll go, but I won't participate."  If you are considering being in the proximity of [fill in the blank], but tell yourself you will not participate or engage, then 99.9% of the time, you have no business going! We should flee from sin and immorality, not see how close we can get. This should be a warning and wake-up call that you notice!  In these situations, you are just too close.  You never know when things could get out of hand. You could do something you regret or be guilty by association.

 

Guardrail #5 – You hope the people you care about most don't find out who you were with or where you have been.  Something inside you tenses up when you think about the people you care about most knowing where you were, what you were doing, or who you were doing it with. To some extent, you feel you may have to defend yourself.  In these situations, your mind is working in overdrive conjuring an excuse, explanation or rationalization to have readily available if needed.  This should bother you.

 

We often tell ourselves lies like "I'm just being Christian and showing acceptance, compassion, or love by staying in this relationship."  You may also think, "But I really love these people… Jesus modeled that we should love people." These are sly lies from the depths of Satan.  You are using compassion or love as an excuse for inaction.  You are lying to yourself.  This is not about your friends… it is about you.  Never confuse compassion and wisdom.  They do not compete with each other. Compassion should never require you to make an unwise decision for yourself.

 

Intentionally drawing back from these relationships can be the most loving and compassionate action you ever take. The best thing you can do in life is stay on the correct side of the guardrail. This is where you model Christ's heart.   When people crash or when "crap" hits the fan your friend will probably run to you first.  You will be the "go-to person."  It is in these moments where we have true opportunities to witness with extraordinary wisdom, compassion, help, insight, and love.  By withdrawing from the relationships, you allow yourself to be healthy and ready for these opportunities.

Champions, have a great week!-David Vining

 

 

Guardrails in Friendship

Guardrails in Friendships

The short excerpt is by Andy Stanley, and the scripture is in the excerpt.

Guardrails are "a system designed to keep something from straying into dangerous or off-limit areas."    Guardrails are designed with simplistic purpose. They create a small accident to protect you from a larger incident.  We rarely pay attention to or think about guardrails until we need them. When we need or use them, they can save our lives.

 

Applied to our lives, guardrails can help guide and protect us. It is a standard of behavior that becomes a matter of conscience.    Most likely our biggest mistakes in life could have been avoided if we had guardrails steering us in the right direction.  I'm going to resist asking this question.  "How close can I get to sin without actually sinning?"  In my world, I get asked that question all of the time.  The goal should never be to see "how close I can get to a guardrail without crashing."  Ideally we will never get anywhere near the guardrail. We need guardrails to keep us from going "too far" or from moving in a dangerous direction.

 

Friendships are powerful. The things that make friendships so great are the things that make friendships so dangerous.  We are all repelled by rejection, and we are attracted to acceptance which leads to influence.  When I'm with people that accept me I drop my guard.  Friendships mold, define, and grow us in a direction and impact our present and future. We do life with friends. We all have wonderful stories of soul-touching friendships  and unfortunate stories of mistakes and pain. Often, our biggest regrets are made in the company of our closest friends.  We are honest, vulnerable, and exposed with friends. We become less careful, drop our guards, and are easily influenced by friendships.  Whether you like it or not, you are deeply associated with the company of friends you maintain.  The wisest man in the history and future of humanity, Solomon, said the following of friendship:  Proverbs 13:20  Walk with the wise and become wise, for a companion of fools suffers harm.

 

A wise person is a person that understands that all of life is connected.  What you do today will influence who you are tomorrow.  What you did yesterday will impact your experience in life today.  A wise person makes decisions based not just on today but on the future.  When you are with people that make decisions as if life is connected, this is contagious.  It will impact on how you view the world and how you make decisions.  A fool is a person that knows the difference between right and wrong but doesn't care.  If you have friends that don't care about their lives, they are not going to be very concerned about your life. 

Solomon offers a promise (walk with the wise and become wise) and a warning (a companion of fools suffers harm).  As much as we do not want to admit it, we know this.

Good parents are constantly monitoring their children's friendships. You may remember being belligerent towards your parents when they did not allow you to spend time with certain kids in grade school. Somewhere along the way, however, we can forget to exercise the same level of caution as we develop friends in adulthood and as married couples.

 

God willing, guardrails in friendships will come next week!  Have a great week!-David Vining

Guardrails in Marriage Part 2

Guardrails in Marriage Part 2

Dear Champions,

The short excerpt is by Andy Stanley, and the scripture is Hebrews 13:4 Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.

If you establish these guardrails in your marriage, you will not regret this.  These aren't in the Bible.  I made them all up based on many conversations, phone calls, emails, and heartbreaking circumstances.  I have talked to so many men and women who would say I wish I heard that and done it. 

Married People List:

1.  Don't travel alone with members of the opposite sex.

2.  Don't eat alone with members of the opposite sex.  Every affair, except for one, I have ever been involved with as it relates to talking with people, it began right here.  If you find yourself in a situation to where you are surprised by the fact that you are having to eat alone with someone of the opposite sex, you call your spouse. 

3.  Don't hire cute members of the opposite sex because you want to help them.  Don't deceive yourself.   (Andy actually involves his wife when hiring members of the opposite sex to get her input.)

4.  Don't confide in or counsel members of the opposite sex.  It is dangerous.  When your emotional world gets entwined with another, you have crossed an invisible, intangible but dangerous line in terms of intimacy.  Intimacy begins with the emotional.  I cannot begin to tell you all of the pastors and Christian counselors that ditched and blew up their marriage trying to help someone.  The most compassionate thing that you can do for you and your family is to get that person help and refuse to be the shoulder that they lean on. 

5.  When you feel your heart or your desire drifting toward a specific person, tell someone.  I'm not saying to tell your spouse.  There's a time when you do that, but I'm not saying that up front.  There needs to be someone that is safe that you can tell.

Your spouse needs to know where your guardrails are so that they can call you on it.  Also, your spouse needs to be comfortable with your guardrails. 

Single People List:

1.  Applied the married people guidelines in your relationships with married people.  In other words, treat that married person like you're going to want someone to treat your married person once you are married.  I don't travel or have dinner or confide with married people. 

2.  No sleepovers. 

3.  If in the dating scene that you are part of, if date has become equivalent to sex, then you need to take a break and decide for one year that you will not date.  You need a year to renew your mind and for God to renew your heart. 

You are never going to regret having these kinds of guardrails.  That's how you have an amazing, extreme, and one of a kind marriage.  Exclusivity fuels intimacy in marriage?  When your spouse believes that she or he is the only one for you, that is powerful.

Champions, have a great week!-David Vining

Guardrails in Marriage

Guardrails in Marriage

 

Dear Champions,

The short excerpt is by Andy Stanley, and the Scripture is in the excerpt.

 

A guardrail is placed in a safe zone to keep us from going into an unsafe zone.  It is a standard of behavior you choose that becomes a matter of conscience and will keep you a few feet or yards away from disaster. 

 

You can fully recover from just about any other kind of disaster but sexual disaster is almost impossible to fully recover from.  When it comes to the area of your sexuality, these are the stories that nobody laughs at later in life.  When a person crosses certain lines when it comes to their sexuality there are things that they carry with them for the rest of their lives.  We need guardrails in this area of life. 

 

1 Corinthians 6:18  Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a person commits are outside the body, but whoever sins sexually, sins against their own body.   If you are married, these guardrails are what you want your spouse to do.  It's what you want everyone that you care about to do, but you just aren't so sure that you want you to do this.  You need to decide, "This is as close to that as I go," and when I bump up against my personal standard of behavior, I'm going to feel guilty.  I'm going to make a big deal out of something that is five yards away from disaster.  I'm not going to live out on the edge of that line anymore.

 

If you are Christian we believe that God's spirit comes to live inside of your physical body.  It does not just belong to you because God moved into your body.  You are no longer a slave to sin, and you don't have to what your desires tell you to do.  Honor God with your body.  If it is dishonoring to God, don't do it with your body.  Establish some guardrails.  If you live on the edge and step over it, it will be a disaster.  However, if you bump into your guardrails, there are no consequences. 

 

God willing, specific marriage guardrails are coming next week!  Have a great week!-David Vining